A Step Toward Independence: Changing Your Relationship with Your Parents/Guardian
By David Kuriniec
Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be independent? Have you ever thought about
what it would be like to be in charge of your own life? These thoughts are part of a natural stage
in development that brings about some tough times for families as you struggle to gracefully break and
carefully reshape their bonds with their parents.
The above statement is universal and the situation is complicated if you have a disability and your
parents are primary caregivers for you. In this case, caregiving becomes a natural and accepted
identity for your parents, with whom you have a stronger bond because you have always leaned on them for
guidance, support, and wisdom. So the question is simple: how do you go about talking with your
parents, informing them of your desire to hire your own caregiver and make them willing partners
committed to help you achieve it? Here are a few tips to get the ball rolling.
Consider your own situation
Ask yourself:
- Why do you want to be independent? Do you want to make your own decisions in your
life? Are you ready to be in charge of your own money? Do you want to eat what you want
to eat and when you want to eat it? Do you want to go to bed when you want and wake up when you
want? Are you ready to be responsible for buying your own clothes, your own food and paying
your own rent?
- What are the challenges you will face in achieving that goal? This does not include
convincing your parents that independence is the necessary and right course of action.
Challenges may include finding an accessible home, figuring out if and how you can perform daily
tasks such as bathing, dressing and cooking independently.
Now you have a few pieces with which you can start a conversation with your parents. But before
doing that, you should:
- Think about what keeps your parents going. Think about what you have done or said to them
in the past that has helped you get what you want.
- Find diplomatic ways to express your thoughts and feelings to your parents. In other words,
carefully choose your words. You want to show gratitude for what they have done for you, but
you also want to change the way your relationship works. Tell them you need their guidance,
support, and wisdom aimed at helping you to move your life forward. You do not want to make it
seem as though you are saying that they are not needed anymore.
- Also avoid making it seem like your parents are holding you back. Use “I” statements and
tell them exactly how you are feeling while taking responsibility for your actions and thoughts.
- Make every attempt to avoid raising your voice when talking to your parents. It presents
the issues in an alarming and hostile tone that is less likely to help in getting your parents on
board.
- Realize that it is okay if mistakes are made. The issues with which you are dealing are very
difficult and emotionally charged. Independence is a process, not an event, and it may take a few
conversations for the process to take off.
Looking for a Personal Assistant You Can Trust
In Illinois, people under 65 who have physical disabilities can hire people to help with bathing,
dressing, cooking, laundry, opening mail, things that you need to do to live your own life. These
people are called personal assistants. But, to find a personal assistant who really cares about
you, who works hard and is someone you can trust, you have to search very seriously before you can find a
good, qualified person.
if you want to ever post an ad for University of Illinois at Chicago students to see, click here
The ad will stay up for 30-45 days, at which time if you want it to stay up (or if you want it
removed/modified before then) you should call the UIC employment office at 312-996-3130.
You may also post in newspapers across Chicago. One popular newspaper is the Chicago
Reader. If you would like to post an ad, please call (312) 828-0350. Tell the person who
picks up the phone that you want to place a “Help Wanted” ad. Their offices are open from 8:30 AM -
5:30 PM. You will have to pay $30 for the ad, either by a credit card or you can go to their
offices and pay with cash.
Not everyone you find is going to be the best personal assistant for you. Sometimes, people you
hire will not work as hard as they said they would. Sometimes, they find another job that pays
better or fits their lifestyle better. Sometimes, as in our relationships in other parts of our
life, they just don’t work out. In these times, when you have to find another personal assistant,
please keep looking for another person. Your independence in the world enriches your life so much
more than losing another personal assistant. It will be hard sometimes, to find that perfect
someone, but never let that hard search stop you from living on your own terms.
